Every September my employer holds a regatta.  For the last couple of years we have wanted to enter and try our hand at racing.  I have been afraid to do this as I know NOTHING about racing.  To add to this, I was told by one competitor that it was "a rather serious race".  The thought of spoiling someone's fun, not to mention the thought of possibly colliding with a Vice President, had me taking a conservative approach to this.  This year though, after a bout of indecision, I went ahead and entered!  The crew was selected.  Old Friend, Hawkeye, and a new addition, Crazy Larry.  This was a historic  moment.  With this select crew, were could put close to 800lbs of racing inexperience anywhere on the boat (If I left the helm too).

The RULES!!

The night before the "big race", Old Friend and I went over the charts for the course and I dug up the rules on the Internet.  WOW!!  I am afraid that I would have to interpret some of these rules and apply them as best I could:

The Rules Say:
J1
The items of a competitor's clothing and equipment to be weighed shall be arranged on a rack and
thoroughly soaked by total immersion in water for one minute or longer if necessary for total
saturation. After being soaked, the items shall be allowed to drain freely for one minute before
they are weighed. Life-jackets shall be included, but not a hiking or trapeze harness or clothing
worn only below the knee unless class rules require that it be included. The rack must allow the
items to hang as they would hang from clothes hangers, so as to allow the water to drain freely.
Hiking or trapeze harnesses shall be weighed separately and tested for positive buoyancy.

J2
During the weighing, pockets that have drainholes that cannot be closed shall be empty, but
pockets or items of equipment that hold water shall be full.

The Ugly Yachtsman says:

Please use the head in the marina before we go as my holding tank is pretty full.

The Rules Say:
L5 Sampling and Results
    L5.1 The competitor shall provide a urine sample which will be divided into two
    samples, A and B, and sent to a designated laboratory.

    L5.2 When sample A is negative, the sampling officer shall so inform the competitor
    immediately and no further action shall be taken.

The Ugly Yachtsman say:

Use the head twice before we leave and there's no alcohol onboard (as usual)

The Rules say:

42.2 Prohibited Actions
Without limiting the application of rule 42.1, these actions are prohibited: (a) pumping: repeated
fanning of any sail either by trimming and releasing the sail or by vertical or athwartships body
movement;
(b) rocking: repeated rolling of the boat, induced either by body movement or adjustment of the
sails or centreboard, that does not facilitate steering;
(c) ooching: sudden forward body movement, stopped abruptly;
(d) sculling: repeated movement of the helm not necessary for steering;
(e) repeated tacks or gybes unrelated to changes in the wind or to tactical considerations.

42.3 Exceptions
(a) A boat's crew may move their bodies to exaggerate the rolling that facilitates steering the boat
through a tack or a gybe, provided that, just after the tack or gybe is completed, the boat's speed
is not greater than it would have been in the absence of the tack or gybe.

The Ugly Yachtsman says:

WHAT THE @*!#$ is ooching!!!!?????
"Mr. President, can you say with certainty that there was NO ooching  in the Oval Office?"

If you are ooching but facing aft does the meaning change?

If the "Yachting Wave" were done while ooching would that constitute a potential foul (this one is probably illegal on land too)?

How do we know that the last America's Cup winner did not have ten or twelve oochers below?

ROCKING while ooching constitutes what is locally known as the "Butt Dance".

The "Butt Dance" is generally performed in the marina, on top of the cabin roof or in the cockpit, by the Ugly Yachtsman and others (Old Friend is particularly adept at it) when someone below changes the radio from the "oldies" station to LOUD RAP/POP MUSIC.  Embarrassment is one of the few disciplinary tools left to the parents of teens today.  Crude, but effective.

If the "Butt Dance" were done in the middle of a race would it constitute two "moving" violations or should this be waivered under 42.3 Exceptions?  Write your local race committee.

So much for the rules.  We would use the Rules of the Road and the rest be damned.  We would be particularly careful about our body motion too.

THE RACE

We were in the PHRF (something like that) class and had a number assigned to our boat for this.  Unlike the number given when you go to the DMV, the higher the better on this one.  I guess this system is designed to allow different types of boats to compete fairly, if nobody were onboard.

Our transit to the starting line was uneventful and in preparation for the race we were treated to Crazy Larry reading choice excerpts from the president's grand jury testimony (just published that morning) with  spontaneous commentary and interpretation by the crew.  All was ready.

Three of us had very fancy digital sailing watches but only Crazy Larry knew how to use it.  We meandered around the starting line staying away from the other competitors yet being ready to dodge the occasional ferry.  With the first blast of the horn Crazy Larry started his watch and we snapped into action.  We were now meandering with stern looks on our faces.  It looked like everyone was aiming to zing over the line at the same place so we set up to go over at the opposite end of the starting line a few seconds after the last blast.  Everyone nodded.  We would tack 30 seconds prior to the last blast.

At the 30 second mark I commenced the tack but wound up doing what I term to be the dreaded "PIROUETTE".  Your have your basic "Tack", the perfunctory "Gibe", and the dreaded "Pirouette".  A "pirouette" is when you tack and for some unknown reason, don't make it all the way across the wind and get blown back around with no speed, steering, or clue.  It must be spectacular to behold.  Since I was on the helm and calling the shots I take full responsibility.  Anyway, I can tell you that it took us approximately 4.3 minutes to recover (thank you Timex) from this and get across the starting line.  The "Committee Boat" had even left!  The Committee Boat crew later said they were not sure if we were actually racing.  Stern looks and three out of four crew members wearing digital racing watches, HOW COULD THEY NOT KNOW!!!!!

Now that we were across the line and safely behind the pack we settled down to do the windward leg and close the other boats.  They kept getting further away!!!!  We resisted the urge to ooch and continued on.  After finally getting around the first mark I had to light off the RADAR to see the rest of the pack on the downwind leg.  Since our downwind performance is less than our best it was time to take extraordinary measures.  It was time to .......  KICK IN THE AUTOHELM, turn up the radio, and FIRE UP THE BARBECUE!  Hot Dogs to ORDER!  Nothing was too good for this racing crew.  I could see a boat behind us that seemed to be on the race course with us but I lost sight of him when he was dodging the inbound submarine  (tough course).  The crew wanted seconds on the dogs but there was not enough time.  A couple times we almost hit 3 knots!  We were coming up on the next mark rapidly!  When we rounded this mark I kind of got a little wide in the turn and almost side-swiped three startled gentlemen innocently fishing in a small boat.  I could not hear their words of encouragement clearly but was close enough to almost read their lips.  It sounded like they were saying "Tack You! Vessel!!" Hmmmm.   Old Friend swears I ran over their anchor line too but I am sure that my broad, friendly smile coupled with my cheery "SORRY!!!!" smoothed things over.  Making new powerboat friends!

During the rest of the race the wind picked up and the ride felt more like a race even though we couldn't see any of the other competitors times.  I had to shut down all of the "toys" as the main battery went dead but we were racing!  We had some brief excitement when I decided to take a shortcut through "rock-infested" water but a little "finger stabbing" on the chart by Old Friend convinced me to alter course.   There really was another boat in the race behind us so at least I was not DEAD STINKING LAST.  I did another "Pirouette" at the last mark and almost got knocked down within sight of the finish line but we FINISHED!

Three hours and change I think.  We were on our way home.  The aux battery started the diesel and we did a battery charge while AUTOHELM returned us to Mystic.  We ate some more I believe.  Not much bravado around the cockpit.  I do acknowledge that I SAILED LIKE CRAP!  We all agreed to try again next year and perhaps we would try to sail together BEFORE the race to kind of get a routine down.  I may even get the bottom cleaned and take the dodger down.  Naw, the dodger stays as it helps block the wind so I can use the barbecue.

RACE PICNIC

Now we could actually meet the nearly microscopic figures that had been on the boats so far ahead of us.  The food was good and when they read the names of the finishers they read ours FIRST because, after the handicap was applied, we were DEAD STINKING LAST.  We did receive some notoriety for barbecuing during the race and using the AUTOHELM.  I enjoyed talking boats with other racers and met lots of new people.  One of the more serious and accomplished competitors did ask "What DO you use your boat for?"  The question and answer period that followed probably destroyed the sport for this captain and for that I am REALLY sorry but HE asked.

I had a great time and I think the crew did too.  It was tiring but fun.  I don't think you will ever see us out there in the Wednesday Night Races in Fisher's Island Sound, but as for the company Regatta, "we'll be back".