How The Ugly Yachtsman Came To Be
Where it all began.....
Basically, I am retired from the U.S. Navy and well into my mid-life crisis. I left the Navy with fond memories of the sea, but with no real desire to return to it. I decided that eking out a living as a "computer weenie" with a local company was the way to go. The problem here is that I worked with two accomplished sailboat sailors that had the desire to make me go "back out there" and enjoy the hobby that they had grown to love. I would fend off sailing invitations politely with "Naw, to me, 'Sea' is between 'B' and 'D' and I don't do 'C' any more." and similar things. I was quite happy, life was good.
The first taste......
I don't recall whether it was a slip of the tongue or what but my wife found out I was turning away perfectly good sailing invitations. I agreed that we would accept the next invitation. Secretly, I had hoped that through a burst of anti-social behavior at work, that I might render myself as "un-invitable". My friends were forgiving and persistent and one day, it happened. "Hey, we're going sailing on Sunday! Would you guys want to go along?" Invitation accepted, the rest is history.
The first underway......
With cadaver white legs peeking out from the khaki shorts I had never worn, a non-descript shirt, and a hat I had been given as a gag gift, the ensemble was complete. I was ready to sail! Our first sailing adventure began on an immaculate 28 foot sloop in a postcard perfect marina. Our gracious host and hostess proudly showed us their boat. To me, it looked huge and complicated. Everywhere I looked there were the signs of good seamanship that transgress vessel type and time. We were going to see sailing at it's finest. After starting the diesel, tossing some lines and taking in some fenders, we were underway. Maneuvering out of the marina was tight but we made it. I'd say it was a "9" but none of the casual observers on the other boats would give us any indication. Out into the Mystic River we went. Some time during our 30 minute transit, I took the helm. Five or 5000 tons, some things are the same. It was BEAUTIFUL. It was here I learned the "yachting wave" (similar to golf's 'gallery clap'). Upper arm at a 90 degree to the body, from the elbow, forearm goes 90 degrees into the vertical. Palm forward, fingers extended but together, thumb naturally displaced. From this position, the forearm is moved side to side through about a 40 degree arc. Not too fast, not too slow. Acceptable facial expressions range from contented thorozine glaze to a broad, truly friendly smile. This is required when passing any other sailing vessel be it under sail or not. The "yachting wave" is optional between sail and power vessels.
Under sail.....
"Let's get some sail up" our host said and he and his wife flew into action. Lines went everywhere, things clicked and ratcheted. Lines piled up, lines went out and a sail appeared and went exactly where it was supposed to go. Commands snapped between them "NARKEN the FLORBISH!!!! TIGHTEN THE CLIZENFLAG with the WINCH!" "Looks good!" With 20 years of naval experience behind me I recognized every fourth or fifth word. Another flurry of nautical terms burst forth and a second sail appeared, as if by magic, up forward of the first. Our host surveyed what they had done, decided it was good, and shut down the diesel.
Sailing.....
I could not have believed one could get so much enjoyment from a mere six knots if I had not seen it myself. Still on the helm I did the best I could to hold the last course ordered, which was more of a direction than a heading. Unlike a submarine, manning the helm on a sailboat added a new dimension, sight. I not only had to steer, but also WATCH where I was going too! Referring to the other boats as "targets" seemed to confuse things somewhat but our host made the connection. "Fall off!" our host ordered. "Yeah right, and you'll tow me behind the boat with six fathoms of Chow Line too", I thought. I might be new to this but he was not going to "fish" me so easily! "No, fall off, turn (some new word I had never heard)" our host fired back "Don't you think you should put some sunscreen on your legs?", my wife added, "Turn which way!!!" I responded, "Left!!!" he shot back, "Left aye!" I snapped back moving my rudder to the left and waited for another order. I don't recall exactly what all happened after that but I got some assistance on the helm, I heard a term like "jive" used, which I hadn't heard since my youth, and a fast lesson about wind and the "WINDEX". Much of this was confusing once again. They give you a great compass to use but noooooo, you use the "WINDEX" and have to look up at the airplane-looking thing on top of the mast. While you're watching the "WINDEX" other boats sneak up and get in the way. Then when you maneuver you have to look back up to the "WINDEX" and probably adjust your "sheets" . WHAT THE HELL DOES A BUNK HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS!!!! And when you look back, there's a huge sailboat crossing your bow with everyone doing the "yachting wave". There seemed to be a lot too this sailing stuff. More instruction followed and I started to understand a little more. We "tacked" without a hammer, "ran" without standing, "reached" without moving our arms and I even got us "in irons" without ever being read our rights! Does one need music to "jive"? What an afternoon!
I almost stayed home from work the next day but after applying Noxema to my legs like I was using sheetrock compound, I was able to withstand the pain of the near fatal sunburn I received on my legs. Why didn't anyone remind me about sunscreen! I would recover from the sunburn, but time would prove that I did not recover from the sailing. I was hooked.
Shopping for a boat
My honey and I decided that we'd "look" at boats. It seemed like a nice way to spend a summer day. The first boat we looked at was an Irwin 23. We found this boat in the paper and it lead us down to one of the local marinas. The couple that owned the boat was quite anxious to sell as they had purchased another boat and were suffering from 'Two Boat Syndrome" or "TBS". Unlike an "Extra Car Condition", this malady, TBS, was serious and EXPENSIVE and could lead to "Noboatitis" or to a "Repo-ectomy". This is all very bad and should be avoided at all costs. Anyway, enough science. It was here that we got our first taste of shopping for a boat. We didn't know exactly what to look for. I marveled at how the boat builders had thought of everything, even the decks were cushioned! I noted this as I sunk in as I walked around topside. The motor was new though. Too small. On we went. "Pssst!" said the marina owner, "I have a 25 over here, took it in exchange for storage fees". "Hmmmm", I thought. "I can give you a good deal and throw in a mooring for the rest of the season", he continued. We went in and looked around. I always felt compelled to pump the bilges on boats where the decks were "awash" inside. I pumped out this one. The 25 was more of the size we wanted but the price was wrong the boat just looked neglected to us. On we went. Catalina, Irwin, C&C, Erikson, O'Day, Jomomma, Jenneau, Hunter, Cape Dory, on and on. "Uranium or plutonium in that Atomic 4?"

Mad Dogs, Englishmen, and Boat Shoppers.....
The third boat we looked at will always remain etched in my memory. "Carpa Diem". What is the latin for "Afternoon in the Emergency Room"? Luckily it didn't come to that. Carpa Diem was an older boat but appeared to be in good shape. The marina gave us the keys and pointed us in the boat's direction. It was stifling hot. There was the initial blast of super-heated stale air as the hatch boards were removed. The unique odor of mildew, teak, and the occasional diesel was becoming routine. I did not slide the hatch back and ducked below into the shadows and heat. This boat did not have all the headroom of some of the others so I stooped and moved forward once below. My eyes had not adjusted yet but when I looked back towards the hatch I saw the silhouette of something that resembled a grapefruit half, hanging from the overhead between myself and the hatch. What an odd place for a .... for a....... wasp nest!!! "Into the light, walk into the light!!" Low and slow. I moved toward the hatch passing directly under this "nest of death". Once past it, in a flurry of "Fight or Flight? Alex, I'll take Flight for $500!" panic-driven gymnastic moves I was up and out into the bright sun, sprawled in the cockpit, marveling that I had only received a few new bruises. When I used to go to sea, the standing joke was "How can you tell if a ------ (member of a certain other branch of the service) had been to your house while you were away?" "Easy! Your shoes were shined and your dog was pregnant!" How can you tell if the Ugly Yachtsman has looked at your boat? Easy! Your bilges are pumped, there's the faint odor of RAID in the air, and there are 100 dead wasps on the deck. My friends at work also offered help and encouragement. Every time we found one that we liked I would drag one of them to the yard to look. I could not have bought lessons like these. I not only learned a lot about boats, but also that each sailboat skipper had their own opinions, likes and dislikes. Several lunch hours were cheerfully donated and I will be eternally grateful for their help. Ironically, my wife and I found our first boat all by ourselves!
A visit to the YACHT BROKER .....
WARNING: This section may contain NO humor
A trip to the "Yacht Broker" can be quite interesting. It is still "sales" but with a sophisticated air about it. I would probably liken it to a trip to the local Ferrari dealership. The interest levels of salesmen can vary as much as the tide and can be dependent on time of year, economy, or whether they smell blood or see you drive up in a BMW. (we usually tried to park our Chevy out of sight). "What do you have 'Used' and between 25 to 27 feet long?" Intestines? It was tough but we found a 26 footer just out of our price range tucked away at the very bottom of the Used Boat List. The salesman cometh. I was in awe of the khaki pants and docksiders. There was even a bow tie. This man took this seriously. I told him what we were looking for and us being rookies. "Don't you think you should take some sailing lessons before you buy a boat?" he responded. I can not do the accent justice but it conjured up visions of blazers and The Hamptons. This was not what I had wanted to hear. I laughed it off and requested to see the boat. It seemed huge compared to some of the other boats we had looked at but I immediately took to this one. It just felt right. This was the one! We continued to look at other boats but we knew. Finally we sat down and discussed the boats we had seen and which ones we liked, which ones we could afford, and which one of those two categories would be sacrificed since none of the boats we saw fit both. Back to the 26 footer we went. When my wife and I finally agreed, we went to make an OFFER. I don't know what happens to other people when they buy a boat but I have never had so much trouble spending so much money. Every step was like skipping through a mine field in snow shoes. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. This is supposed to be mildly entertaining so I will leave most of the details out except for the INSURANCE. When my wife called our insurance company we had expected a "walk in the park" since we insured EVERYTHING through these people and darn near listed them as dependents. It kind of went like this:
"Has your husband ever sailed before?"
"No, but he spent 20 years in the Navy."
"Did your husband sail as a child perhaps?" "No."
"Sailing lessons?"
"No."
"Did he ever have any kind of boat?"
"No, but he spent 20 years in the Navy."
"Has he attended the Safe Boater's Course?"
"No, not yet."
"We're sorry but unless he has some kind of sailing experience or completes the Safe Boater's Course we will not insure the boat."
"I guess we'll have to close out the rest of our insurance policies with you and go somewhere else."
"We will insure the boat for you but until he attends the Safe Boater's Course you can not go outside the 3 Mile Limit."

CINDERELLA INSURANCE!!!!
The purchase went through and away we went. The rest is history.
Taking Delivery!
One of the beautiful things about this hobby is that you can start with absolutely ZERO knowledge and how far you go is only limited by your thirst for adventure, luck, and credit rating. Luckily, I had already developed a healthy respect for the sea and how rapidly things can "go to hell in a hand-basket" on it and under it.
With the help of a friend we motored our new 1980 Tanzer 26 the three miles up river to our marina. We even have video of the harrowing journey. I experienced several boating phenomenon during this short jaunt.

"Tiller-Dyslexia" This can be a VERY serious condition. The cause of this malady is currently unknown but it is treatable with explicatives.

"Boatus-Keepa-Goin-us" This condition is rooted deeply in the physics of motion. The indications are that the boat keeps going even after you stop the screw. There is no cure for this but with knowledge of it's power, one can still lead a relatively normal life. Failing to respect this condition in a crowded marina can cause your local fiberglass man to jump tax brackets.

"GOT-REAL-DAMN-BIG-REAL-DAMN-FAST" This may be an optic nerve problem but I have noticed just before I got up close to a pier, the boat "GOT-REAL-DAMN-BIG-REAL-DAMN-FAST".

Unfortunately, I experienced all three of these potentially crippling conditions at the SAME TIME! As skipper of the vessel I took full responsibility for the incident (darn video cameras). The boards on the pier were probably a little rotted anyway!
Many sports and hobbies have conciliatory phrases or comments that are a form of verbal bonding or help in a moment of need. I am sure you've probably heard many of them, "Any landing you can walk away from...", "Sure I saw it before it got off the hook....", "Looks like the club is a little bent...", "Can I sign your cast?". It was here that I heard the sailing phrase that made everything all right. I have even used it myself. "Looks like it didn't go all the way through the gelcoat" Brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.

Lessons you could not buy!

Many people start their sailing by taking sailing lessons and becoming familiar with the sport before launching headlong into it.  I have watched the sailing classes out there and have seen the students spend an inordinate amount of time in the water.  The very cold cold water.  Right there this was enough to rule out the possibility of learning anything from a school.   Submarines and basic seamanship taught me "warm and dry" is good, "wet and cold" is bad, "rightside up" is good, "upside-down" is bad.  Just keeping to the basics.  With these in mind and a few pointers from veteran sailors we began to "learn".

Some basics we will be covering:

BUMPER DRILLS
SAIL HANDLING
LOBSTER POTS
THE ARTFORM
BOAT MOLTING
BRIDGES, TUGS, and the "NEAR DEATH" experience
"ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS" and how it applys to sailing
"Eye Eye!"
 

To Be Continued..... MORE SAILING !!!!

(I bet Dennis Connors carrys the SAIL RIGHT book in the cockpit when he sails too!)

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