Did you ever notice that when your favorite show comes out with something "very special" that it's something "socially relevant" and may not even be entertaining?  Well, this is my "public service" assault on one of today's most pressing problems.
BOOOOOAAAAAAAATTTTT RAGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Yes, BOAT RAGE is a growing problem on our waterways and in our sea-lanes.  Some may think that this is a new plague but my best information tracks this back to the dawn of time. Phlegm the Syphilitic versus Gilbert the Great?  Boat Rage. Juttland?  Boat Rage.   Monitor and Merrimac? Boat Rage.  What if the crew of the BISMARK would've just done the "yachting wave"?  Many Cold War incidents were strict cases of Boat Rage.  When man first ventured out to sea for "pleasure" one would've thought that they would've left Boat Rage to the professional sailors and warriors but it appears to also be a part of our recreational boating phenomena.  How does one recognize the warning signs?

It has been my observation that it almost always begins with the actions of another boater.  This is not limited to power.  It can be the unsuspecting, unlighted, kayakers crossing your bow as you turn into your marina at dusk.  You boil the water behind you while backing down, straight-arm a piling, and terrify other boat owners.  They've seen you in action before and have long memories.  Your last vision of the kayakers was their "Save the Whale" decal fading off into darkness as they move on knowing they've left the sea a safer place for eels and barnacles.  They may even sniff and huff a little if they go through the cloud of diesel smoke you've emitted as you have dared your diesel to eat itself in order to save their lives.

What is that feeling?

You have an urge!

You are awash in the desire to take up your flare gun with your good arm (the one you straight-armed the piling with does not bend anymore) and light the way for these noble adventurers.  BOAT RAGE!!!!  Is that why, when you buy a new flare gun, that they give you a "white" shell to practice with?  Has anyone EVER shot their "white" shell?  If you were to shoot a red flare you'd be violating a CG regulation probably but you can "practice" with the "white" shell.  "Yes, the white shell will do......... yes it will......"   By then you've regained some of your composure and hopefully some common sense and abandoned these urges as passing whims.

Communications adds a new dimension to BOAT RAGE.  Aggression can be exercised but violence minimized as you can "QUICK!", hide the microphone after you've lamb-basted someone's parentage and boat choice, over channel 9, because of their tsunami wake.  I recently found that I could contact a vessel, in more than enough time, for them to turn around and witness the carnage that they had left behind in their mountainous wake.  I briefly discussed the "white" flare shell with them and quickly signed off.  Even though they could not tell which of the metronome-like "boats with sticks" we were, I felt better!

This brings us to one of the founding theories of BOAT RAGE.  It is affectionately known as The Ugly Yachtsman's Theory on Surprise Encounters.  A surprise encounter can be anything from turning around and seeing "TUNA MARU" in large letters right behind you, a wake so large you can almost hear the theme song from Hawaii Five-Oh.  The "white" flare Dan'o!

There are three phases to this theory.

Phase I:
Phase I of the Surprise Encounter is after whatever sensory stimuli has startled you, you have to immediate urge to say or do something. This is just the first thing that popped into your mind.

Phase II:
Phase II is what you actually did, or said, in response to this chance encounter.

Phase III:
Phase III is the last and final phase.  This phase usually takes place from minutes to months after the encounter and is generally characterized by thinking about all the snappy things you should've said, or done, in place of what you did for Phase II.

Now, if Phase I merges with Phase II in a millisecond and Phase III involves remorse then you are probably behind bars.

If Phase I is "nothing", Phase II is "nothing" and Phase III is like-wise, then you are least likely to practice BOAT RAGE and most likely to become a victim of it. This is the safest posture really.

I think most of us fall somewhere in the middle.  I will illustrate this theory with a recent event.

We are headed out of Fisher's Island Sound into Block Island Sound.  This is our FIRST trip to Block Island, Rhode Island.  We might as well have set out to cross the Atlantic as this trip was a major milestone.  We were in company with another boat but we had cleared Watch Hill Passage first. We were moving out smartly on a stiff breeze into open water.  Listen to me "Talk the Talk"!  Though we were in open water I notice a beautiful 40-some foot sailboat coming up my starboard side.  He's going to pass within a boat length of us and cross our bow but he has speed, I can fall off to port if need be, so I hold my course and speed and watch him overtake me and marvel at the beauty of this gray-hulled boat.  We are within t-shirt reading range and almost a beam of each other when I yell over to him "You have a beautiful boat!"

Standby for Phase I.  The bronze tanned, khaki-shorted polo-shirted yachty snapped back "Are you going to cross my bow?"

Phase I I think to myself : "Are you smokin' Crack?"

That was pretty good but my actual Phase II response was ….

"NO!"

Somewhat annoyed with me now, the CEO larvae then responded something to the effect "read RULE 13!!" "Don't you have the rules!"

Rule 13? Chapter 11? 5^th floor?

Rules? He came into MY piece of ocean and wants to talk RULES?

To this blast, my Phase I initial response is unprintable.

My actual response was "Let's talk about it on Block Island!" So much for Phase II.

Oh that was good. Old guys fighting. Paints a real picture! His course was more northerly so I figure he went on to Newport. My loss I guess. I could've learned a lot from him.

Now, my Phase III responses read like "My rule book is down below under my carry permit!" or the simple New York-style response "I got your rule buddy!" (complete with hand gesture) Even the pseudo foreign response "Parlez-vous BITE ME?" could've done the trick.

• BOAT RAGE and commercial vessels.

The FERRY BOAT is another story. These ships come in many shapes and sizes. Their courtesy seems to vary widely also. I generally hug the side of the channel when I am unfortunate enough to do a "Rules of the Road Dance" with one. The multi-hulled gas turbine screamers are my biggest fear especially if they have a name like "MISS BARDOL" or "WIDOW MAKER II". Our worst encounter was with one of the regular ferries that come and go continuously from New London. Inbound, hugging the edge of the channel, we watched one ferry come up on us for a good two miles. Being under sail, highly visible, and on the opposite side of the channel from the direction this ferry needed to turn, I felt reasonably secure. His need to run right up behind us concerned me. His not altering course to go around us in the wide channel coupled with his melodic blasting of the "Danger Signal" on his whistle was quite unsettling. "Hey BillyBob, watch these people jump around like ants when I get real close and blows da horn a bunch!" Two boat lengths to the right of us the channel disappears into rocks. Once I heard the Danger Signal all bets were off. I lit off the diesel, jibbed violently to the left and cut right across his bow at "All Ahead Mother#&$@$&*^!" I never looked back. No Phase I, II or III. The Coast Guard said they'd have a word with the Ferry boat skipper.

BOAT RAGE can also be levied against crew. If the crew succumbs to BOAT RAGE it is called "mutiny" though. It can get real tricky here. I am not even going to "go there" in this discussion, as instances of BOAT RAGE with crew are stories unto themselves.